There’s a new trend in food commercials: cows chewing cud. We are no longer sold a product based on an image of someone enjoying it, but rather the obnoxious crunching that is heard because they insist on eating it into a microphone.
To my knowledge it started with Kit Kat candy bars. Apparently advertising executives thought the sound of people munching into the delicious confection would push us to buy more of them, because we’re all avoiding eye contact with that bright orange wrapper that’s screaming ‘eat me’ as we calmly load our fruits and veggies onto the conveyor belt.
Now KFC has a commercial that starts off innocent enough: Colonel Sanders on a beach, showing a kid how to eat their delicious chicken. Unfortunately it ends with one of the most obnoxious sounds the human ear can hear: crunching.
Before I come off like a sociopathic bitch, let me clarify how one should properly eat their food without becoming an emotional burden to those around you. Put it in your mouth and then proceed to chew with your mouth closed. There is no need to smack your lips while eating anything. Not only is the sound annoying, eating with your mouth open allows people to see what’s inside.
I was working at my desk when the sound of wrappers coming undone flooded my living room last week. A Dunkin Donuts commercial had popped on the television and images of people unwrapping delicious breakfast sandwiches were all I saw on the television. (I’m currently unable to find this video online, so hopefully they’ve deleted it.) Each crinkling of the paper made me want to scream. It wasn’t just unwrapping papers. It was Unwrapping Papers Gone Wild, Volume 5: No Holds Barred.
I am begging Kit Kat, KFC and Dunkin Donuts to please stop.
Misophonia is an actual disorder that I’ve unknowingly had for years. According to several sites that I’ve stumbled upon, it’s basically a hatred of sound. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that, however. For me it’s annoying and unnecessary sounds that send my nerves into overdrive. Unless I’m skipping because the scale said I lost ten pounds that day, hearing someone loudly eat makes me physically angry.
I’m reminded of a phone call I had a few years ago while working for a telecommunications company. A female called in because she wasn’t able to order a movie, and after several troubleshooting tips it still wouldn’t work. (Insider tip: just wait for it to come out on Netflix or RedBox to avoid a massive bill.) During the entire call I was forced to listen to her eating.
“But I made popcorn!” she yelled into the phone while smacking her lips. I can still hear it to this day along with so many others.
Did she have a right to be upset about her cable not working? Of course. Did that give her the right to eat into the phone? Nope.
Believe me, it’s a very unpleasant way to live your life and certainly limits with whom you interact. I’ve tried many, many times to get over it and nothing has worked. Perhaps I need therapy. After all, one of the keys to a society where everyone gets along is acknowledging that nobody is perfect. We just need to accept each other for who we are, noisy eater or not. Perhaps companies could refrain from pouring gasoline on certain fires in the meantime, though. I don’t need crunching or the crinkling of paper to entice me to buy a candy bar, fried chicken or greasy, sodium-filled breakfast sandwiches. Just look at my backside.
Image Source: Wikimedia
It never ceases to amaze me how oblivious some people can be. It’s like they’re in their own little world, chomping away at a wad of gum in their mouths while waiting in line at CVS.
There were three people ahead of me, and everything was flowing pretty smoothly. Nobody was arguing with the poor cashier, saying their credit card shouldn’t be declined and to try it again. No price checks on a box of tampons and a carton of Ben & Jerry’s. I smiled and thought back to a few years ago, long before I was self-employed. Anxiety would have washed over me while I silently yelled at the cashiers to go faster because clocking in a mere three minutes late would result in a write-up.
Eat my dust, micromanagement.
While contemplating an unnecessary purchase of Glade candles, I turned around to adjust my shirt and saw her heading my way. A middle-aged woman pushing a cart and chewing her gum like a cow chews cud, her lips never touching each other as she showed all of us her tonsils.
Please don’t get in line, I thought.
We hadn’t moved in a few minutes and the very thought of her standing behind me, projecting the sound of her spit mixing with caffeine and xylitol immediately set me off. Suddenly I wasn’t the carefree woman that understood long lines happen. I became the woman that acted like she was tweaking out on meth, pacing back and forth while wondering what the hell was taking so long.
Sure enough she got right behind me in line, and sure enough I got to hear every sound emanating from her mouth.
“You need to sign the machine,” a cashier said.
“Receipt in the bag okay?” the other one said.
“Can I help the next person in line?”
“Move!” I snapped to the girl in front of me that was more obsessed with her iPhone than cashing out. (Which is another pet peeve of mine. Are you shopping or texting?!)
All of a sudden I was the obnoxious one. I was the one who couldn’t wait a few seconds for someone to stop swiping left on Tinder to pay for a bunch of beauty items she’ll probably upload in a ‘Products I Regret Buying’ YouTube video.
I turned around to see if the truly obnoxious customer was giving me a dirty look just like everyone else.
She was also obsessed with her phone, just snapping her gum and smiling from ear to ear. Probably from some Facebook meme.
We all have little quirks that irritate others, but I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one that hates people who chomp their gum in public. Pretend your lips are glued together, and if you must talk just push the gum to the side. Please. I beg of you.